Breaking News - I want to die!!!!!!

I've lost count of how many days Ive been awake, I've lost track of what day of the week it is and what date it is. Insomnia haunts me and I hate it. Not only that I don't seem to able to switch back to Ana. ARGH!!!!!

Thin Thoughts

XOXO

Im too fat... time for thinspiration

Some thinspiration featuring the beautiful Cheryl Cole...

It should be a crime to look that perfect, not just thin but stunningly beautiful too!!!!

Thin Dreams :-)

XOXO

Today has been tough

Well today has been a tough one. Ive not been battling with the voices in my head but battling with the opinions and forcefulness of other people. I understand that it's only because they care but it would be so much easier if they just left me to it!!

I feel sooooo bloated and horrible!!!! I will be thin, I will be perfect!!

Think Thin Thoughts

XOXO

I DESPISE INSOMNIA

Just a quick post as I can't sleep. Its 1am and I havent slept for 4 days and I still can't seem to fall asleep! It is so frustrating!!!!! Ive gone longer than 4 days before but each time this cycle of chronic insomnia hits me, Im unable to cope with it more and more. It is emotionally exhausting. Ive tried so many different kinds of sleep medication from my doctor but nothing seems to work. In large doses they knock me out but an hour later Im up and my brain is turning over and over once again!! I wish we had on off switch. It would make things so much easier.

Im sat on my bed and I can almost hear my stomach grumble above the sound of my tv. I feel a little sick with hunger right now which is unusual for me. I usually feel empty and my stomach grumbles but I rarely feel sick with it. I'll blame tiredness this time round! lol. At least I can sit in the comfort that I am empty and today has been productive :-). I have to be up in 5 hours time so I better try and shut my eyes, not that I'll actually fall asleep :-(.

Keep thinking thin thoughts.

XOXO

what i want to be.....

A reminder of what I want to achieve. An image of perfection and a true inspiration

Stay Strong and THINK THIN!!!!!

XOXO

Weigh In - Quick Update

Well I got up early this morning and set off to my local boots store. I have scales at home but they're so unreliable I don't really like to use them anymore. It was quiet in boots so no-one was around as I made my way to the far corner of the store where the weigh in machine is nicely tucked away. I weighed myself clothed, obviously, I can't very well strip off in the middle of a shop!! haha. Anyhow, I took my jacket off but left my shoes on and almost started to cry when the machine delivered my little printout. I weigh a gut busting 96 pounds!!!!!!! :-(. Not happy at all but I guess it could be worse. I was kind of expecting to have broken through the 7 stone barrier and that would have caused a major depressive episode. I have to really work at this and I must drop some of this weight pretty quickly, I can't deal with weighing that for long. This is only a short entry as I have to go out for a few hours but I will post again later on.

Perfection will one day belong to me and it all starts today!!! The game is on.

XOXO

Some thinspiration to keep Ana alive

I have to keep Ana active in my head and thinspiration certainly helps. Ask me to point out perfection and I will point at the skinniest girl around. I will be that girl one day and will be able to point out perfection in a mirror. All my nightmares are encased within the mirrors reflection, it is nauseating.. but not for long.

   

                                                 

XOXO

Let me introduce myself

Finally I am catching up with the rest of the world on the technology front. This is my first ever blog and Im not quite sure what Im doing right now but nonetheless, I feel that getting stuff down will help me begin to sort the shit out thats swimming in my head.


Im anorexic, bulimic, eating disordered, whatever label you're comfortable with. Personally I dont like labels but I understand the need or them in society. I've been worse than I am right now both emotionally and physically and Ive been better. I've been thinner and Ive been fatter. I've been to the point where I was given only weeks to live and i've also enjoyed the times when I have been actually living instead of just existing, though those moments don't happen anymore. Right now Im not sure if I want to get better, Im not sure if I want to get worse, I dont know what I want. The constant war in my head has quite literally exhausted me of all resources of energy I ever had. Eating a little more makes others happy that I am taking steps to get better but it makes me want to kill myself. Not eating makes others worry that Im slippng once again but it feeds me with such a buzz and a feeling of actually being alive. I am pulled between two complete extremes. I find eating disabling. When I have eaten I dont want to leave the house or do anything, I feel fat and suicidal which then kicks off my bulimic tendancies. I've been eating more over the past week or so which is making those close to me happy but Im not sure I can carry on doing it for it has caused my mental state to take a sharp nose dive. I just dont know which way to go!!!!

Ive decided that I can't carry on like this for if I go on much longer this way I know suicidal ideation will take over. Eating disables me and I miss out on so much because I feel so depressed, useless and huge. I dread to see what I weigh but will weigh myself tomorrow. I feel fat, bloated, nauseous and disappointed, like a complete and utter failure and Im sure that once I see the huge numbers staring back at me from the scales I shall feel worse but sometimes you have to feel worse to kick start the motivation you need to feel better.

Any type of failing I cannot accept for success is the key to everything. How I go about that is an entirely different ball game and one Im not quite sure how to play..... yet.

An image of utter perfection in my eyes, unbelievable and exquisite beauty, but is it worth the risk?!

I hope tomorrow brings a thinner day

XOXO